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2018 has been wild, and super painful, pain that I have never felt before and pain that I didn't think I could survive. The darkest months were in August, September and October, I didn't even know how I survived that period ever since LL initiated a ... separation. It felt arduously long, the second half of 2018 felt like another year in itself.

My life turned 180 degrees, my outlook, my day-to-day everything changed. Now its the end of the year, I can say I am better now. And somehow, you are reciprocating too. Sometimes you got to really trust the process and I learnt it the hard way this year. It took super long for me to get to this stage but I am thankful I did, with the guidance of many in my life. Right before the year ended, I witness how Cass and Brendan go through a similar situation LL and I did, and I felt that I did grow through that experience. It was almost a reflection of us.

But still, imissyou everyday, and I still do loveyou very much. You can never cancel feelings just like that and even when you told me you were confused and didn't know if you made a rational decision back then; I found myself feeling relief. I am relieved you were honest to me about your confusion, rather than hide it from me. Because somehow, it just confirmed the thoughts that I had about you. I also realise that I don't hate you, instead I want to let you grow and discover yourself (while I discover myself). 我很珍惜我们的感情，我也很珍惜你。因为我爱你，我也不会放弃你。End of the day I still want to do what keeps my heart happy, what relaxes me, and I want to believe that a love like that is truly magical and I want to have faith in you and the magic between us...

Sappy thoughtcatalog bs always says things like "never love someone who hesitates about you" and I find it so full of shit. But anyway I digress.

If there is a silver lining in this shituation, I guess I grew a lot closer with my friends, and it made me realise how dependent I was on my partner for the longest time. I feel scared of becoming dependent on my friends, and I try my best to be independent. There are days I can cope, and there are days when I just needed an outlet.

More importantly I made new friends, whom I really cherish at Oasia. I got to know them in late February and they saw my through my happiest times and darkest times in 2018. At least my 人缘 is falling in place for me. 真的好珍惜他们哦。

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Ever since that night at Chevrons toilet, when I spammed LL on telegram for being so weird weird to me, ignoring me, making things awkward for me; I felt a huge weight lifted off my chest. I really do. It felt like I reached a certain nirvana LOL and whatever that he says to me after, I just take everything in and I felt at peace. I mean, ya of cos it hurts to see a response that doesn't change the situation, but I felt better... I also thought our relationship kind of improved since the beginning of November. But not having a status kinds of bothers me sometimes, especially when family members ask about him. :( But it is okay I guess, at least I can still cope for now. End of the day this is a matter between the two of us, and we both trust each other to not hurt each other... right? At least I am really parking all my faith in this, and channel the rest of my energy to improve myself.

In terms of improving myself, I am really proud of packing my room and starting to work out on a somewhat regular basis? I started on Emi HIIT workouts but sometimes Im really damn lazy lah helps :( I had some progress but I gained it all back once I took my progress for granted. I must not be complacent with my workout progress! The money from all my part time jobs is also helping to fund the clothes I want to buy and even inspired some organisation stuff for my room. Slowly but surely, I will take care of my room, make it nice nice for as much time as I get to have. I am not young anymore, at least let me take care of my room that my parents gave me in this house.

I can't see what is in my 5-year plan, heck, not even a 2-year plan at this point. But, I'll take baby steps. I forgive myself for falling off the track and I am proud of myself of getting up on my feet again.

It's ok to not rush bby... I never rush you. 不要给自己太多压力了。

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iloveyou and i love myself too.