i dont know what is going on in your head. was it me that is too naive to always feel like everything is ok? because now i dont, it feels like everything is going to end and im so scared...


i've never cried so much within 24 hours before. but i feel abit better crying the whole day. i throw mc for my work and i skipped class. i feel bad for myself, but i know what is necessary for me to recover after an intense night of sorrow. i just need to cry and cry and cry and sulk at home and sleep whenever - i feel grateful that i have that choice compared to last year when i had work and i cannot suisuibianbian throw mc. i cried till 430am, slept, woke up at 11am, cried for another hour, calmed down, cried again, talked to tzuchun whom i felt like she was telling me what i needed to hear, sobbed more, made milo for myself, watched youtube videos until i napped, woke up at 7, showered brush my teeth, made cereal for myself, google relationship help.... listened to songs, looking at old photos. here i am now. that was my day in retrospect.

as much as i can firmly say that iloveyou and i have faith in us. but ironically i dont have faith in myself that you will love me, again.

i don't know to what extent will photos and videos of us will remind you of our happiest of days - and that it did not require any effort, really.

i don't know to what extent intimacy will ignite your passion again

i don't know how you will convince yourself to want to walk this life with me.

i'm sorry i've let my world revolved around you. i'm sorry because iloveyou too much and it's eating you out. you feel pressured when it appears that you don't love me. but truth is, you do. i'm just a bit more psycho because i don't love myself. i placed all my happiness on you, and unknowingly it became burden on your shoulders.

i'm sorry.


- - -


i was so excited for us to move out of the shittiest two years of our lives - uni for me, and ns for you. we were so close - yet i let camps get the better of me and i started breathing down your neck and blocking your vision of the future and making you feel cornered.

i'm sorry. i just wish you had that bit more of patience. i just wish you had that bit more to wait for me to fully start loving myself again. i was so determined to take steps to be pretty, to be slim, to be a goddess for you and for myself.

but you wouldn't wait.

i had so much plans for myself, and i never intended to stop you from having yours. but you perceived it that way - and it's all because of me.

truth is you never really know who is truly 'the one' for you. but how rare is it to find this one person who loves you and willing to take steps to improve for us? i'm learning to grow individually.

i will let you have your way. but please, don't suppress your feelings of missing me.

maybe you will find the spark again, that gave you so much motivation to love me and love our fantasies.


you mention it takes two hands to clap.

i can't argue with that if you choose to let go.

but i hope you don't simply abandon me while i still have so much more to give.


iloveyou very much and i have done nothing but take steps to be your life partner. i never minded pursuing individuality, but you think i do. i hope you know clearly and i hope you manage to find a way out of the trap you placed yourself in.


i hope you find yourself again. i am always here. imissyou and iloveyou